If you could, what would that mean?

Sometimes I wish things were different, and at times I feel guilty for wanting that. It in no way means, I'm unappreciative for what I have. I'm blessed and all the things that have happened to me whether they were good or bad have created this mold I have inherited as me. I have been brought to this very day that I'm living in. It all resorts back to the first time I remember feeling like I wanted things to be different, it was in High School. I decided my Sophomore year I wanted to be graduated from school early. I didn't like the school that I went to, and when I dissect that statement into why I didn't like my high school. It wasn't that the school was bad, the school wasn't bad to me. It actually was only beneficial to me. I didn't apply myself how I know now I am capable of doing. I embraced a specific group of people and that was school to me. School was getting up in the morning and getting dressed to go see my group of friends. It was counting down the minutes of the class until I could be reunited with them again. When things would happen within the group, as in the drama that 15 year old young women possess. It made me flee I wanted out, I didn't want to see these people who embodied not life changing stories, or ideas on how to make the world a better place for the common good of everyone. It was a bashing party every day. You weren't liked if you didn't have something, and what that something was just depends on who was pulling the threads of you that day. I had set a plan to graduate early and leave. Leaving to me, meant leaving the state and starting over where nobody knew my name. Nobody placed a label on me. To these people in my mind that I had made accepted me for me. That is so huge to me, to be accepted. To feel like, somebody that knows nothing to everything about me and still accepts me. So, I went day by day and graduated early. My senior year consisted of 3 classes and I was done for the day. I immediately after I was done with my senior year started taking online classes for college. I knew that I wanted to get my prerequisites done so that I could get to this higher standard of living. Where I was new, liked, and nobody could judge me. I always felt the wrath of bad friends, I was talked about, made fun of, and looked at to be stuck up. Nobody has great times in high school but, I regret not making the most of my high school career. I missed out on a lot of fun things that I'm sad I don't have the memories to hold on to. I never ended up going to college. I achieved an Associates Degree online through a school based in Tempe, Arizona. Not too far from the school I had always thought I was going to go to. The school I had plastered on my graduation cap. The school I told everyone I was going to. Arizona State University. I could have gone, and I didn't. I didn't end up going because I was scared. If I could have all of these people around me and feel the way I did. So alone, like I didn't fit in, left out, and not good enough. How was I going to be really completely alone and not feel the same way if not worse. To be that far from home without even a fair-weather friend to call on in a time of need. I could be in a gymnasium full of people and at that moment I could have felt more alone than if I had been standing there solo. I wanted a fresh start, and one that meant something to me. Something that was important to me and made me feel good. I set out to seek employment in Retail. It was something I was passionate about. I enjoyed meeting new people, I liked using my eye for fashion, and I enjoyed making people feel good about themselves. I struck gold with my first job in retail as a saleswomen. I quickly moved my way up in a small company as a manager. There was this feeling again, I wanted things to be different. I had this vision of how things were going to be for me and ultimately this wasn't it. I left and decided to pursue my career in writing and put my degree to good use. At this moment, I also decided since I liked my first job so much but wanted to explore in a new way. I started my own company in retail. I was 19 had my own business, buying from wholesalers all across the world and selling them on my own online storefront while writing on the side for small jobs that paid .20 cents per word or nothing at all. After a few bad customers and not enough income to maintain my small business I was defeated. I closed my business and began another relentless search for what was going to make me happy. All along still wanting to go to school and have this fairy tale of starting all over again just lay heavy on my heart. So, I applied and waited for an acceptance letter that never came. I went into retail banking just before Thanksgiving of 2011 with a heavy sales driven corporation. I was there for 8 months and then found another corporation that wound up giving me some of the best things I've experienced to date. I was promoted from within and have recently began the climb of the corporate ladder and at times here more so recently I'm still in that search. That feeling of "What's next?" and the answer is, I don't know. I could go back to school, and I could move but I'm not sure that's what I want. I want friendships that aren't someone who apparently can't stand a person and then the next day they're popping each others bubble gum and linking arms as if they hadn't been bad mouthing them just an hour before. I want the reliability of if you say you're going to be there, that you be there. I want to always strive to be the best damn damner I can be if that's what my job title is. I want to be the reason when someone gets asked how they made it through, they use my name and say she never quit so neither did I. I have an amazing family, I'm the eminent aunt of some gifted children, I have a job, and a boyfriend I couldn't love more with every ounce of my being. He makes me want more for myself and more for my future than just settling. There is a bigger picture out there for everyone and what that means to you is different than what it may mean for me. If I've ever achieved all of my goals, I've lost. I'm always going want something else, and where I decide to take my next journey on what is going to make me happy will always keep me guessing because I don't even know. I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I've been given a second chance to do anything I could ever want to do. That won't be going unnoticed.